I'm thinking I'm ready!

okay...breathe. I can do this!

Been gone a while. Have you noticed? Yeah, life has been a tad crazy over here, and well, my brain took a beating. When I say I've been gone I don't only mean from here. I mean from LIFE. Funny (not funny haha) how that works...once your mind starts to slip. It's hardly noticable at first. It's all so gradual. It's not until it's about 1/2 gone that you start to wonder what's going on, thinking, "something's not right here"

But you push it aside and figure it'll get better, tomorrow.

Well 2 years of tomorrows have past and things weren't getting better. Things were getting worse even. Not good. Let me just tell you, I wish someone would have told me about Post Pardum Depression (wait - somebody probably did - or nevermind that!) Yeah, that's some bad mamma-jamma stuff going on there. PPD. yuck.

Briefly (as briefly as I can tell a story) let me tell you how this went down. After 2 years of feeling on the edge and wondering were my brain went I really started to slip. About 4 months ago, after I figured I REALLY should have been doing better after having Kate, things got icky, in my brain. I wasn't coping. I couldn't do anything. I mean anything without it feeling totally overwhelming. And if I did start something it was nearly impossible to finish. Not a good thing when I have a "completed project" type job.

Then the bad thoughts started coming. The kind of thoughts like, "hey, if I got hit by a bus right now (and yes, died) it wouldn't be that bad." The first time I had this thought I wondered, "humm...that's a new one, never felt like that before" It wasn't like I wanted to jump in front of the bus. Or be driving the bus. I didn't feel like causing and deadly accident or actually hurting myself. But it was a very real and clear thought that it would be okay if something fatal happened to me. Then the thoughts happened more often, like every week. Then every day.

Then I stopped.

These are not normal thoughts. Not good thoughts. They are not okay. And I needed to stop having them. I went to my doctor and he totally understood, diagnosed me with PPD and put me on Lexapro. Within hours I started feeling better. (and yes it's probably in my head that I started feeling better so quickly, but it was in my head that I felt crappy so it works out)

I'm now medicated and things are better. Clear. Hadn't realized how fuzzy the last 2 years have been, since I had Sarah. I've all but lost them. I don't really remember anything of Sarah being 1 (which bites ass because I love 1 year olds). I was pregnant with Kate during that time and I was, not myself.

I'm SO thankful that I didn't have any negative feelings towards my children. I never resented them. I never felt like hurting them. I never felt like I wasn't taking good care of them. I never stopped loving them. For that I'm lucky. Not everyone who has PPD is so lucky.

My children are truly a joy to me now. It's nice being able to watch them without the fog. Damn they're cute! They continued growing and learning and being funny and adorable while I was fuzzy. Well I'm fuzzy no more and I'm so grateful for that. I'd hate to have lost anymore time with them.

So I'm back, and ready to carry on. Many funny things have happened while I was away that I'll try to get out of my brain and make funny here. I'm feeling better but don't hold your breathe on that last part! ;)

once again

He let me sleep in again. Wonder what he wants! hahaha

Or maybe he did because he knows I've been working my tail off, 12 hour days at my 'real' job, working on my next class, and back to back all nighters at the sb store. Maybe he's just a really nice guy who, after 4 years together, has decided he'll get up with the kids so I can rest.

nah...he wants something :)

what is she thinking?!?!

Do you ever wonder WTH people are thinking when they same/do something? Oh, dumb question, I know you do. This story (rant) is about someone who's clearly not getting it.

As an electrical designer, one of my jobs is to design lighting and control systems for lighting. One of my big jobs, which hasn't been going smoothly for many reasons, is REALLY behind schedule. It's a big fancy gold clubhouse building for the uber rich in California. We're pluggin away on this job when the architect (in the middle/end of the job) to hire a lighting designer. AHEM! okay THAT'S MY JOB!

Great! So now I have to try and coordinate with this lady, We'll call her "J". Well we're still plugging away but I'm not getting any information from J. This is holding me up and I have to stop work on the job. I write emails to my client telling them that I have to have this info before I can continue work.

they ignore me.

Then I get an email with a new deadline. They (the architect) want the job in 6 days. HAHAHAHAAAAaaa....yeah that's rich. I email back that I can't make that deadline because I haven't seen anything from J (who - get this - is getting an INSANE amount of money) I remind them that I'm not working on it right now and that I'll need AT LEAST 2 weeks to finish AFTER I get all the info from her.

so we have a conference call.

It's me, the architect and J. For an hour we discuss who's doing what (or how much she's NOT doing) and the issues I see with the changes she's made to the lighting design. Bottom line though - we need to finish this job THIS MONTH (issues with the city and some hearing on the job that requires this job be finished by the end of the month)

So we're finalizing some decisions we've made, changed some of her design and get to down and dirty on schedule. This is how the convo goes. This was yesterday at 6:00 pm)

Me: "Okay I'll need 2 weeks after the J is done. So J, can I get your info tomorrow? That will put me done on the 26 so we can submit before the end of the month."
J: "Can't tomorrow, I'll have to pick up all these changes. It will have to be Monday. We work half days on Friday."

WTF!?!?! HALF DAYS!!!!!!!!!! unbelievable. Thank God her client was on the phone. He sure found out where he stands on her schedule.

and I was all set to yell at him

Had a morning. Really it was the kind I'd expected, while I was expecting, to have every morning. I haven't had many those. We've gotten into pretty good routine, morning wise, so - believe it or not - it's pretty orderly here first thing.

Today wasn't like that however. Started off with Peter waking up a little late. That throws everything off. Mainly because when he's late, I'm a little late. He also pulls the, "I've got to get off to work NOW" card, which I hate. The few things (okay the one thing) he does in the morning to help, which is to get Noah's cereal going, doesn't get done. Or well it gets done, just not by him. Can you guess who does it? ***waving*** yeah, that would be me. Not only is he bookin' outta here he asks if I can drop his drycleaning off. He's too busy. I'm slightly annoyed but hey, I suck it up and agree. This isn't a big thing right? nah.

It also throws Noah off a little when we wake up late. Not completely sure why. Though I suspect it's because Peter and I are both cranky and he feeds off that. So now he's giving me a hard time. "these shoes are uncomfortable" (turns out one was the wrong size HAHAHAA) "I don't want my hair spiked", "I don't know where I left my lunchbox" ERR!

Carpool finally comes and he's off. phew! Things are easy from here on out. Usually. The girls, without the energy and distraction of the boy, are easy.

uh huh...

I take a shower. Do my face and hair as per usual. It's all good. Kate's awake. Actually has been since before Peter. She's hangin in the swing. Still good.

Then I enter...Sarah's room. yeah...things go south from here on out.

Have I mentioned Sarah's newest 'thing'? Don't think I have. NO! I have. The thing were she gets all nekid in the morning! That thing. Remember it? yeeeeah......well it happened. Being without her clothes colided with a bowel movement.

niiiiiiiiiiice

2 baths, 2 washclothes, and 20 minutes later - she's clean. Yeah, that was fun.

Meanwhile, Kate's totally pissed off and screaming at me when peter calls. "can't talk now, sarah played in her crap. It's all over. Kate's mad, I'll call you back!" click. Then I can't find the Sarah's new medicine. ERR!!

I'd really been okay until now. I had. I wasn't only slightly annoyed with Peter about the dry cleaning and the cereal thing. I'd planned on mentioning to him about how my work day is just as important as his and just because he's late that I shouldn't be expected to do what normally he does. But not finding the medicine just did it for me. Now I'm angry. So is Kate, who is still screaming bloody murder.

I call Peter, "WHERE THE MEDICINE?!", Poor him. "in the fridge." "NO IT'S NOT", "It should be, it was there this morning." (he's all calm - me not so much) "THAT WAS THE SCHOOL MEDICINE!!", "no, it's in there"

it's in there. whoops. "yeah, okay it is. sorry, gotta run"

I'm able to wrap up the morning. I get Sarah to school. Drop of the dry cleaning. Feed Kate. Put her down. Now I'm ready to call Peter. Remember, I'd planned on talking to him about wisking out of here when he's late. Now I just needed to include a prelude of, "I'm sorry I freaked about the medicine" before our chat. I'm set to go. This will be good.

Ring, He picks up, "hey babe, (got caller ID at work) you've had a mornin' eh?"
Me, "yeah"
Him, "I'm not even going to ask how the kids were. How bad's the room"
Me, "oh eek, I didn't even have the energy to look. But I think it was mostly on her"
Him, "okay well I'll clean it when I get home"
Me, "cool, thanks. Hey? I'm sorry I blew up at you about the medicine"
Him. "OH NO! It's totally fine!! don't give that a second thought. I would have been WAY worse than that. Your were totally fine!!! I understand. You've had quite a morning, and it's not even 9 yet"

aaaaaaaawwwww..... and DRAT! How can I be mad now?!!?

Funny, how we (or maybe just me) need validation. That's what it came down to. Being acknowledged for having too much to do, and still doing it.

It's all good. :)

my own personal yo-yo

I tell you what, I am a drama queen. Who knew? That or I've got a serious chemical imbalance. Whatever it is I need to figure it out, and fast! I'm making myself nutso.

Yesterday was a bad day. Too much work. waaaaaaaaaay too much. Panic city. I cried through it all. Even to clients (this is not recommended practice) My boss even called me on it. "Were you about to cry?" yikes...Like THAT helps. Anyway, worked until midnight, until I couldn't see anymore. Then got up and will do it again tonight.

I made a list last night. It - I kid you not - made me hyperventilate! 15 items long. Some easy, like "Call Dan and verify the changes to the theatrical lighting." Most, not so easy. Like, "start and finish job by Monday, The one with 300 manhours allowed to it. The one you still don't have all the info you need. so make shit up" Yeah, those are fun ones.

I've managed to get a few things off my desk today. This is a good thing. Hopefully, tonight I'll get one or two more done. By the time the week is over I should be able to actually work on that big job, the one I don't have the info on! haha

such is my life.

If only I was alone in my drama and busyness. I do realize that all y'all are just as busy. You just probably don't freak out and cry like I do. I wish I were like that! But then what would Peter do all day if he didn't have to continually talk me down??? *wink*

Do you ever feel like you've got so much to say, some of it actually funny, or insightful, or clever? Then when you sit down to write (or blog) it down it's *POOF* gone?

just wondering...

what a nice day

I love holidays. (who doesn't?) I love getting paid for spending time with my family. I love staying up too late on a 'school night' and not worrying about having to get up for work. I love the short work week that follows my day of relaxation.

Today, though, was extra special. Today I got to sleep in. Not really sure how I swung it. Not really sure why Peter got up with the kids at let me sleep. But he did. And I LOVED it. I haven't slept in like that for years. It was wonderful.

The day continued to be nice. Set up our nano salt water tank. This setup (our second tank) had to have a custom lighting unit. So we are officially fish geeks. We discussed this new status and we agree, we're okay with it. This tank will be our quarantine tank for a while, currently housing 'dory' for her month of isolation before transfer into our display. Then we're thinking of making it a sea horse tank. That should be fun. Yeah, geeks.

Bro is over tonight. He's still bumming from the breakup of his recent love. Man, he's got some bad luck. Sucks too cause he's a GREAT guy. *shrug* Wish I could hook him up.

The night is winding down. Peter's off reading to Noah. Kate's taking her evening nappy. Sarah's giving Michael (bro) a run for his money. She's cranky because she's getting tired. I'd better give him some backup.

Hope your Labor Day was filled with anything but labor (unless you're ready to have a baby! then LABOR AWAY!)

my heart is full

Ya know, I've had a hard time of it lately. I know you know. It's been pretty obvious. And heaven knows I haven't hid it. Things have been hard. I don't feel right. It's been confusing and frustrating and I haven't liked it. Shoot, I haven't liked myself a whole lot lately, much less my behavior. I haven't felt much like a good person. This has been hard for me because, for the first time in 30 some years I'd felt like I had kinda gotten there. That I had finally figured out how to be, nice. And now it's gone. just gone.

I've blamed it on being pregnant. And Nursing. And Pregnant again. And not getting over being pregnant when I got pregnant again. and so on...

Funny though. Turns out that wasn't it at all. I mean the babies have taken a toll on me. No question. What was really going on was much bigger. Way big. The kind of big the entire world struggles with knowing. The big G.

God.

I've missed Him. Missed the Son too. And without my hearing those big guys the Holy Spirit is darn near impossible to hear. I listened today though. And it's done wonders. Let me back up a bit. Back to last night.

Peter walks in the room and proclaims that he's "getting up for mass in the morning". Huh? I can't go? I ask. Of course I can go. But he's going for sure. This is the kick in the pants I need. He took Noah last week. I'd managed to talk myself out of getting up. Even for him that was the second time he'd gone since Kate was born. We went about 3 months ago. So he tells me he's going and I agree I want to go too.

8:30 am Mass arrives early. The alarm goes off and Peter mumbles, "let's go to the next one." OKay...fine. I Roll over and go back to sleep. This, for the past 6 months, is the beginning of the "skipping church" dance. I know it. He knows it. We just don't discuss it. Although it's hard to get up we prefer the 8:30 to the 10:15. It's less crowded.

I manage to get up though. 8:15 and I'm out of the shower. Dodge my first "skip Mass" bullet. We're all getting ready when Sarah wakes. He nose is thick and green again. CRAP. The medication, the new medication, has already stopped working and her alergies about back in full swing. Poor thing.

Bullet number 2: locked and loaded. We can't take her to nursery like that. I mean how fair is that to those poor volunteers who'll have to wipe her nasty nose every 3 minutes? Peter suggests I go and leave him with the girls. I hate going to Mass by myself. I convince him that we (since we know full well) can convince the nursery person that she does not have a cold. That she is not contagious. And that it's only allergies.

We load up and off we go. I think I actually see bullet #2 zip by me.

What's even more amazing that we've arrived at church is that we've arrived early. Pretty much unheard of for us. The girls were both freshly bathed even. This is a good thing. Time to unload.

Walking up things don't look right. Seems like I see people walking back from nursey with kids in tow. huh? That's weird. Did I see the 'nursery open' sign in front? I can't remember. Oh, I sure hope that poor single looking guy walking towards me with 4 kids hanging off him really wants to take all his kids to Mass. Don't tell me they aren't open today. Don't tell me that. I need to go to Mass today. Need.

"They aren't open today", the single looking man tells me. "no 'adult' to work" He quotes his fingers like that, "adult." Which normally doesn't bother me but for some reason strikes me as odd. Like what kind of volunteer are we going to let back there, a "kid"?

We're screwed. Bullet #3 just nailed me. We don't do Mass with Sarah. It just ain't gonna happen. She's a mess and it's a nightmare for everyone. We start back to the car, heads down and beaten. I'm crushed.

I really needed Mass today.

Peter suggests I go by myself. He'll pick me up in an hour. This is usually something I hate doing, going to church alone. It's not like we talk or whatever. But there are 2 times in a Catholic Mass that I like sharing with him. The first is when we share a sign of peace with those around us. The second is when the entire congragation holds hands and recites "The Lord's Prayer." Oh and well I really like discussin the readings and Homily with him over breakfast.

Any other day I might has said "No, I'll just go home with you." Today I didn't. I didn't even miss a beat. I agreed I'd stay and let him pick me up. We also decided Kate would come with me. Off we went.

Boy am I glad I made that choice. Mass was amazing. The Eucharist filled me up in a way only receiving the Lord can. I was home and it felt good. I felt whole. My heart felt full again. I can feel the Holy Spirit again. I can hear the gentle God whispers I'd forgotten how to listen for. I remember what it feels like to be fulfilled and to be made new again. I remember what it feels like to love myself and to feel the love my Father has for me. I was a good morning.

Funny how you can not even realize something is empty until you fill it back up.

saturday morning

This is what I wake to every morning. Or well almost. Sarah's in her crib, not on 'the big chair'. And she's usually completely nekid. This is a new thing for her. Striping down to nothin' and playing with the toys in her bed. I fear the day she had a BM :0

So she's got a thing for going commando. Kinda funny actually (for now) Time to start our day. I get her up, put her in a diaper and let her run wild for a bit before breakfast (which is Eggo's today yum). Peter's been working Saturday mornings. Kinda sucks. For him though more than me. I miss having him here but with Noah his Dad's this weekend it's nice to havin it be just the girls.

Anyway, caught this shot as Sarah sat reading, or should I say "turning"? HAHA She's such a ham. Wonder where she gets that!

Oh! And what'dya think of that hair? Nice huh???