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It's official. My dad has cancer on his pancreas and liver. damn.

damn damn damn.

So apparently not talking about it didn't make it not real. I think I really thought it might help. But no. Dude's been handed a death sentence.

I won't lie. I'm devastated. I could barf I'm so profoundly sad. pro-fucking-foundly sad. Literally. I'm like nauseous. It's a sadness I didn't know I could feel.

Something seems harder about this than when my Mom died. Maybe it's because that was 7 years ago and the pain has faded. But see, with my mom, on some level, it was a relief. I mean she was so SO sick for oh so long that she deserved some peace. Don't get me wrong, I miss her like crazy, it was just different.

This is just such a shock. My dad's been battling back since his flatlining episode in 2000. He's been kicking ass and taking names. All that to get cancer. And it's on his pancreas to boot. That's the like big mamma jamma cancers. ugh...

He's actually doing really well. He's somehow at peace with what's going on. He keeps saying, "No matter what happens it will be okay". And he's right. It will be. But damn, why do I have to be orphaned. Why don't my girls get to have any freaking grandparents. Not one. Noah has one grandma living, but shit, he should have SIX! (Y'all get the math on that one??? don't feel like drawing up a flow chart of my family *wink*)

Noah's the one that hurts me the most. He shouldn't have to suffer such a deep loss at 8. He should be able to continue building his friendship with grandpa. He'll feel the loss. He'll know what he's missing. And that, my friends, completely breaks my heart.

shit, okay. I'm okay....breathe....I have to tell you that there is some good news. The doctors were more optimistic than I expected them to be. Dad has already started the chemo prep stuff and averages indicate that he could be around for 1-2 years. This is AMAZING news. I was thinking 6 months at the max. Of course, it could always be that quick, but then it could be longer too.

So please bear with me while I take this ride with my dad. This ride that has only one ending. I am weak and I'll need you. I believe him when he says it will be okay. But right now, I can't even imagine...