Thursday, August 16, 2007


It's official. My dad has cancer on his pancreas and liver. damn.

damn damn damn.

So apparently not talking about it didn't make it not real. I think I really thought it might help. But no. Dude's been handed a death sentence.

I won't lie. I'm devastated. I could barf I'm so profoundly sad. pro-fucking-foundly sad. Literally. I'm like nauseous. It's a sadness I didn't know I could feel.

Something seems harder about this than when my Mom died. Maybe it's because that was 7 years ago and the pain has faded. But see, with my mom, on some level, it was a relief. I mean she was so SO sick for oh so long that she deserved some peace. Don't get me wrong, I miss her like crazy, it was just different.

This is just such a shock. My dad's been battling back since his flatlining episode in 2000. He's been kicking ass and taking names. All that to get cancer. And it's on his pancreas to boot. That's the like big mamma jamma cancers. ugh...

He's actually doing really well. He's somehow at peace with what's going on. He keeps saying, "No matter what happens it will be okay". And he's right. It will be. But damn, why do I have to be orphaned. Why don't my girls get to have any freaking grandparents. Not one. Noah has one grandma living, but shit, he should have SIX! (Y'all get the math on that one??? don't feel like drawing up a flow chart of my family *wink*)

Noah's the one that hurts me the most. He shouldn't have to suffer such a deep loss at 8. He should be able to continue building his friendship with grandpa. He'll feel the loss. He'll know what he's missing. And that, my friends, completely breaks my heart.

shit, okay. I'm okay....breathe....I have to tell you that there is some good news. The doctors were more optimistic than I expected them to be. Dad has already started the chemo prep stuff and averages indicate that he could be around for 1-2 years. This is AMAZING news. I was thinking 6 months at the max. Of course, it could always be that quick, but then it could be longer too.

So please bear with me while I take this ride with my dad. This ride that has only one ending. I am weak and I'll need you. I believe him when he says it will be okay. But right now, I can't even imagine...


laura said...

oh michelle - i am so sorry. :(

i'm glad that the doctors gave you some optimism. the treatments they have for cancer are becoming more and more amazing all the time.

what you wrote about noah, though - man, that is hard. i'm really sorry! (((hugs)))

angieinpink said...

Girlfriend, I am so sorry to hear news of this. Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you! I mean, prayers are a given, but anything else...I'm there for ya babe.

I'm a firm believer that God gives us trials such as these to refine our hearts...and He doesn't give us challenges that we can't handle...even though it doesn't seem like it @ the time. You are amazing, I just love ya.

Good news is you have a TON of people that love you like crazy & will support you every step of the way.

Take care girlie.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry that you have to go through this, again! But know this, that our prayers are with you, and God knows what is best for all of us.
That seems so hard to believe, sometimes, but He really does know what we can handle and how much potential we have to care for others.
I love ya and pray for you and your family.

Dust and Maddy said...

Michelle --

I am so sorry. I don't even know what else to say because I know nothing I say can take the hurt away. I just want you to know that I hurt for you and I will be on the ride with you. love you!

Kerry said...

I'm sorry michelle. I was going to say the same thing as Maddy. I'm speechless. Please know that we are all here for you ok?

Beth said...

I am so very sorry, Michelle. :(

I'm an eternal optimist though, so I'm going to hope that the doctors are right on or even a little short on the timeline.

Call if you need me; you know I'm here. :)

Lisa said...

michelle--love you and feel horrible for you and your dad and brother! i can't imagine. i will be praying for you though!!

Sherry said...

Oh Michelle, I'm so sorry...

I will keep your Dad, you and your family in my prayers.


Shanna said...

Michelle! I am sick. I can't even imagine what you are dealing with. Life isn't fair sometimes! Try and be strong! But on days you don't feel like it....I am here and many others are too! Love you girl!