my heart is full

Ya know, I've had a hard time of it lately. I know you know. It's been pretty obvious. And heaven knows I haven't hid it. Things have been hard. I don't feel right. It's been confusing and frustrating and I haven't liked it. Shoot, I haven't liked myself a whole lot lately, much less my behavior. I haven't felt much like a good person. This has been hard for me because, for the first time in 30 some years I'd felt like I had kinda gotten there. That I had finally figured out how to be, nice. And now it's gone. just gone.

I've blamed it on being pregnant. And Nursing. And Pregnant again. And not getting over being pregnant when I got pregnant again. and so on...

Funny though. Turns out that wasn't it at all. I mean the babies have taken a toll on me. No question. What was really going on was much bigger. Way big. The kind of big the entire world struggles with knowing. The big G.

God.

I've missed Him. Missed the Son too. And without my hearing those big guys the Holy Spirit is darn near impossible to hear. I listened today though. And it's done wonders. Let me back up a bit. Back to last night.

Peter walks in the room and proclaims that he's "getting up for mass in the morning". Huh? I can't go? I ask. Of course I can go. But he's going for sure. This is the kick in the pants I need. He took Noah last week. I'd managed to talk myself out of getting up. Even for him that was the second time he'd gone since Kate was born. We went about 3 months ago. So he tells me he's going and I agree I want to go too.

8:30 am Mass arrives early. The alarm goes off and Peter mumbles, "let's go to the next one." OKay...fine. I Roll over and go back to sleep. This, for the past 6 months, is the beginning of the "skipping church" dance. I know it. He knows it. We just don't discuss it. Although it's hard to get up we prefer the 8:30 to the 10:15. It's less crowded.

I manage to get up though. 8:15 and I'm out of the shower. Dodge my first "skip Mass" bullet. We're all getting ready when Sarah wakes. He nose is thick and green again. CRAP. The medication, the new medication, has already stopped working and her alergies about back in full swing. Poor thing.

Bullet number 2: locked and loaded. We can't take her to nursery like that. I mean how fair is that to those poor volunteers who'll have to wipe her nasty nose every 3 minutes? Peter suggests I go and leave him with the girls. I hate going to Mass by myself. I convince him that we (since we know full well) can convince the nursery person that she does not have a cold. That she is not contagious. And that it's only allergies.

We load up and off we go. I think I actually see bullet #2 zip by me.

What's even more amazing that we've arrived at church is that we've arrived early. Pretty much unheard of for us. The girls were both freshly bathed even. This is a good thing. Time to unload.

Walking up things don't look right. Seems like I see people walking back from nursey with kids in tow. huh? That's weird. Did I see the 'nursery open' sign in front? I can't remember. Oh, I sure hope that poor single looking guy walking towards me with 4 kids hanging off him really wants to take all his kids to Mass. Don't tell me they aren't open today. Don't tell me that. I need to go to Mass today. Need.

"They aren't open today", the single looking man tells me. "no 'adult' to work" He quotes his fingers like that, "adult." Which normally doesn't bother me but for some reason strikes me as odd. Like what kind of volunteer are we going to let back there, a "kid"?

We're screwed. Bullet #3 just nailed me. We don't do Mass with Sarah. It just ain't gonna happen. She's a mess and it's a nightmare for everyone. We start back to the car, heads down and beaten. I'm crushed.

I really needed Mass today.

Peter suggests I go by myself. He'll pick me up in an hour. This is usually something I hate doing, going to church alone. It's not like we talk or whatever. But there are 2 times in a Catholic Mass that I like sharing with him. The first is when we share a sign of peace with those around us. The second is when the entire congragation holds hands and recites "The Lord's Prayer." Oh and well I really like discussin the readings and Homily with him over breakfast.

Any other day I might has said "No, I'll just go home with you." Today I didn't. I didn't even miss a beat. I agreed I'd stay and let him pick me up. We also decided Kate would come with me. Off we went.

Boy am I glad I made that choice. Mass was amazing. The Eucharist filled me up in a way only receiving the Lord can. I was home and it felt good. I felt whole. My heart felt full again. I can feel the Holy Spirit again. I can hear the gentle God whispers I'd forgotten how to listen for. I remember what it feels like to be fulfilled and to be made new again. I remember what it feels like to love myself and to feel the love my Father has for me. I was a good morning.

Funny how you can not even realize something is empty until you fill it back up.